Welcome to the joke page!!! some will be funny, some will be stupid, some will be mean.MUAHAHAHA
if you have any funny, mean, or stupid jokes send them to me through the comment thing on the home page and i will gladly put them up. all blond jokes should be in gold
air she got stuck.....yo momma so stupid she thought a bigmac in each hand was a
balanced diet
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ok i know this really mean rastist joke but i wont put it up on her so comment me bout it and i will tell u
Tommy comes back home from school and tells him mom*Tommy:mommy, i have a drinking problem. Mom:OH MY GOD TOMMY YOUR ONLY 6!!! This is your fault bob!! Dad: my fault?!?! maybe if u would spend more time with him! Mom:OUR SIX YEAR OLD SON HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM!! He sure as HELL doesnt need a role model like u!! Dad: i've done nothing but give for this family and this is wat i get??! FINE IM LEAVING!! Mom: I DONT NEED YOU, AND TOMMY SURE DOESNT NEED YOU!!*dad leaves by this time tommy is crying*Mom: oh tommy,dont cry. it will be ok. we'll be fine without a daddy. tommy,i want you to tell me about ur drinking problem. *tommy sniffs* Mom: Talk to me,tommy. tell me about ur drinking problem.* Tommy goes into his bookbag and takes out his homework,still crying* Tommy: If Joe drinks one liter of juice and tom drinks two,how much did they both drink?
Rules Guys wished Girls knew...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are preparedto discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of thetides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Lets play house, you be the screandoor and i'll bang you all night long
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?
"Under the wagon!"
20 signs that your drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group. 7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!? 8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem. 9. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 10. You fall off the floor 11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive 14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!! 15. Roseanne looks good 16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass. 17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again. 18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. 19. You've fallen and can't get up. 20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."
The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her.
He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it home and return the next day with a sample. The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on previous day. The doctor asked what happened. "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her month, both with and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
One day, a little boy is watching his Saturday cartoons. His mother is on the phone in the room. She is getting extremely pissed. Finally, she slams down the phone screaming "BITCHES AND BASTARDS!!!" The boy turns around and asks, "What does that mean, Mommy?" Realizing her mistake, the mom quickly says, "Uh, ladies and gentlemen." The boy accepts this answer and later goes to bed after dinner. But that night he has a bad dream. He goes to tell his parents about it, and as he walks in, he sees the two screwing. The mom says "Feel my boobies", and the man says, "Feel my dick". The boy asks what that means. The two, shocked, said "Hats and coats! Hats and coats!" The next evening, the boy is watching his dad shave. He cuts his lip with his razor. "Sh*t!!" the dad yells. The boy, quizzically, asks what THAT means. The dad quickly says, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using!" Now the boy goes downstairs and sees his mom cutting a turkey. She cuts her finger. "F**k!!!!" she screams. The boy asks what that means. "Uh... cut!" she says instantly. Now the grandarents arrive for supper. The little boy says, "Hi, bitches and bastards! Hang your boobies and dicks on the coat rack. Dad's upstairs putting Sh*t on his face, and mom's in the kitchen f**king the chicken!" The grandparents faint.
stupid pick up lines some funny some mean some stupid and some might be repeated
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears
My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?
these are mean ones
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
Man - Excuse me, want to dance?
Woman - No.
Man - Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!
I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.
Do you work for UPS? 'Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package!
You're ugly but you intrigue me.
No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good
Man - Do you like to dance?
Woman - Yes !
Man - Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?
Will you play army men with me.. so I can blow the hell out of you !
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Wow! Are those real?
There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.
Why do I have a pierced tongue? You'll soon find out.
Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.
You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a footlong
these are sick ones...lol
If you were a buger I would pick you first.
If I let you suck on my tongue would you be greatful?
Nice Shoes. Wanna fuck?
I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
You remind me of my Grandma except I haven't slept with you yet.
You stole my heart. But that's okay; I have another one at home in the fridge.
Are you free tonight or is it gonna cost me?
I wish you were a carousel at Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for just a quarter!!
Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
Why don't you get down on your knees and smile like a doughnut?
The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my crib and spread the word.
If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
Can I touch your belly button...from the inside?
these r pathetic ones lol
I lost my teddy bear will you sleep whith me ?
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
Can I borrow your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Be unique and different, say yes.
Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.
I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas
these r kinda cute yet corny ones
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!
these are cheesy ones lol
Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just took my heart away!
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!
I'm not wearing any pants.
You have been very naughty! Go to my room!
Mind if i stand here until it's safe where i farted
Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under
Sex is like Pringles: once you pop, you can't stop.
If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.
When God made you, he was showing off
It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me!
these are so called the 10 best pick up lines..i dont know why
Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special
My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in
Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together
You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles
I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream
If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole
Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks
Hello sugar not you the other lump!
I'm like novicane, Give me time I always work.
Nice legs what time do they open.
You're like a prize mouth bass... I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
Wanna come upp for some sex and pizza?
... Whats the matter, you dont like pizza?
Hey baby, you must be a sweater 'cos you got me feeling warm all over
Check the girls clothing tag then say --> "Thats what I thought...made in heaven"
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
aparently these are soposed to be romantic
You're last name should be Campbells, cus your mmmm... GOOD
Tell me something, girl. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? (and the perfect come back to this is) did it hurt when you were kicked out of hell?cause u deffinitly.not.hot enough.
Your name must be cheerios...cuz you seem healthy for my heart.
Girl are you tired, cuz youve been running through my mind all day
Is your dad in jail? Cuz he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
Hey baby, You must be from Tennesee........cause your the only Ten-I-See
Exuse me miss, are you a Hostess? Because you've got some sweet cakes!!
You Dropped something , "My jaw"
WORST PICK UP LINES
You're last name should be Campbells, cus your mmmm... GOOD
Tell me something, girl. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?
Your name must be cheerios...cuz you seem healthy for my heart.
Girl are you tired, cuz youve been running through my mind all day
Is your dad in jail? Cuz he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
Hey baby, You must be from Tennesee........cause your the only Ten-I-See
Exuse me miss, are you a Hostess? Because you've got some sweet cakes!!
You Dropped something , "My jaw"
funny ones
You're last name should be Campbells, cus your mmmm... GOOD
Tell me something, girl. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?
Your name must be cheerios...cuz you seem healthy for my heart.
Girl are you tired, cuz youve been running through my mind all day
Is your dad in jail? Cuz he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
Hey baby, You must be from Tennesee........cause your the only Ten-I-See
Exuse me miss, are you a Hostess? Because you've got some sweet cakes!!
You Dropped something , "My jaw"
wow these are sex..pick up lines lol
Man: we better get you out of those wet clothes
Women: what?
Man: [licks his finger an wipes it on her dress]
Man: those wet clothes
Is your dad a police officer, if so i'll be visiting you a lot
Hey babe lets make a bunk bed you be on bottom I be on top
I'm no weather man but the forecast is calling for several inches tonight !
The only time I'd kick you outta bed would be to fuck you on the floor!
MAN: There's a party tonight!
WOMAN: Where?
MAN: In your mouth and im cummin!
Hi, my name's ______. You better remember it cause you'll be screaming it later!!
I just shit my pants. Can I get into yours?
Do you have a mirror in your pocket, cuz i can see myself in your pants
Wanna ride? i got a truck and a box of condoms.
Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children! For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.
A PRIEST AND HIS ROOSTER (at a farm) A priest was in his room and realised that his rooster was missing. He decided 2 bring it up in Sunday Mass.
Right before the seremony the priest asked, "Who has a cock?" all the men in the room stood up.
The priest said "NO,No,NO. Who has seen a cock?" all the woman in the room stood up.
The priest said "NO,NO,NO. Who has seen my cock?". All of the nuns stood up.
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little Johnnys face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
blonde,russian,american
A russian an american and a blonde are all talking one day. The russian bragged "we were the first in space!" The american retorted "we were the first on the moon!" The blonde says " so what, were going to be the first on the sun!" The russian and american look at eachother and shook their heads. " You can't land on the sun, u fool. you'll burn up!" said the russian. The the blonde replied," We're not stupid, ya know. We're going at night!"
Book of Chuck - chapters 1-5
Chapter 1 - On the 6th day God made plans to create Chuck Norris, on the 7th day he decided to lay low.
Chapter 2 - Moses didn't part the Red Sea, Chuck Norris did... with his fist.
Chapter 3 - Noah wouldn't have let Chuck Norris ride in the ark, cause there can't be two of Chuck Norris.
Chapter 4 - Sodum and Gomorrah turned to salt at the sight of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chapter 5 - If Chuck would have been around, you wouldn't have heard of David or Goliath cause he would have kicked both of their asses.
who gets the child?
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
7 year old getting married
Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door. One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married". Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea). Susie' dad: "Where will you live?" Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there." Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?" Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week." "That should be more than enough!" Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what about children?" Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
jesus may have walked on water but Chuck Norris walked on jesus Chuck Norris sleeps with nght light not because he's afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of chuck norris Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the chin and he created a giraffe There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. There are no different race. only other countries where Chuck Norris visited and round-house kicked them until they were different shades of black and blue The first bible was titled Chuck Norris and friends Chuck Norris once got in a knife fight... the knife lost Chuck Norris' tears have been proven to heal cancer. Unfortunately Chuck Norris doesn't cry.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!" So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"
Genuine Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and
catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
the blonde and the magic mountain
there is a blonde, a brunett, and a red head. they are hiking a long a trail and come up on this guy who is a regualar there and he says to them if u go to the magic mountain and jump off of it and while you are in the air , you say what ever u want or want to be it will instantly come true.
so they go to the magic mountain and the brunett say , well i will try it so she jumps off and yells BIRD!!! and poof she becomes a bird,
so the red head says if it worked for her it will work for me so she jumps off and in the air yells CAT!!! and poof she becomes a cat and runs down,
so the blonde says if it worked for them it will work for me , so she starts running and right before she jumps and trips on a rock and falls over the side and yells SHIT!!! and poof , she hits the mountain and splats all over the side of it.
Clinton and the Pope in Heaven
On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major screw up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to hell. IN HELL: The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God. Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it. The Pope: Worry not, my son. 24 hours later: Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here. The Pope: Sure thing. On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way. The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the Virgin Mary. Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.
Business Man
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Yo mama so big,she uses the interstats for a Slip n Slide!
Your Momma SO Poor, when she said she was moving, i asked her where too.. she picked up her garbage can and moved it to the curb!!
Yo mom so fat, when GOD said let there be light, she moved her butt.
Yo mom so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle she was hit by a train..Your mom is so fat when you go to the restaurant, just when your on seconds, shes on 23rds..
Your mom is so fat, when she goes to the movies, she takes up 7 rows.
Your mom is so fat, when she saw a school bus, she ran after it saying 'STOP THAT TWINKIE!!'.
Your mom so dumb she stole free jello
Your mom is so stupid, she climbed over a wall just see the other side.
Your mom so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall just to see the other side.
Your mom like a doorknob, everybody gets a turn.
Your mom is so fat, she has to use a mattress for a tampon.
Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo mama so fat she's on bothsides of the family! Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite
pictures
Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her
through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so old I told her to act her age and she died.
Yo mama so old she co-wrote one of the ten commandments.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid she gets lost in thought.
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid she got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours,
Yo mama so stupid she has to ask for a price check at the dollar store.
Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama so stupid she thinks cheerios are doughnut seeds
Yo mama so fat when she jumped in the ocean all the whales started singing "We are family!"
Yo mama so stupid she wondered what a 'printer' did.your mamma is so dumb that she sat on the tv to watch the couch!
yo mamma is so dumb she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order
yo mamma is so fat that when she goes to school she sits beside everybody
yo mamma is so poor she has only got two channels on her t.v 'on and off'
yo mamma has had more 1up's than super mario
yo mamma's like the city's bike every-body has had a ride!!.
youre mamma is so fat that when she wears her yellow rain coat and walks out on the street people call "taxi.taxi!!!!!!!!!".
youre mamma is so fat that when she sits around the house she really sits AROUND the House. Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!
Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!
Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!
Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, were stranded on an island. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated the distance to be about twenty miles. So, she announced that she was going to try and swim back. After swimming five miles or so, the brunette began to get tired. However, determined to keep at it, she kept going. Unfortunately, ten miles out, she became exhausted and drowned. The redhead, who was stronger than the brunette had been, decided to give it a try. After getting out about ten miles or so, she too began to get tired.
Just like the brunette, she was determined to keep going; only five miles from the mainland, she too became exhausted and drowned.
Now, the blonde had always been the strongest of the three. And so, after seeing how far the redhead had gotten, she knew that
she had a good chance of making it. The blonde swam away from the island, and was making good time. She passed ten miles easily; however, when she reached fifteen, she began to get tired, too. But she kept going.
Finally, after reaching nineteen miles, with the mainland only a mile away and in sight, the blonde realized that she was simply too tired to go on. So she swam back.
Ever Wonder Why.............
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos! You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel performs here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
After marrying a much younger woman, a 93 year-old man visited his doctor and announced they were expecting a baby despite the doctor's previous reassurances that they would not need to use birth control.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a tiger charged toward him. Pointing his umbrella at the tiger, he shot and killed the animal on the spot." "Impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Somebody must have shot from the side!" "Exactly," replied the doctor.
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,'All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses inthe train...cause we're going down the tracks.'The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house.Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you touse nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroomand resumed playing with his train.Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...'All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope yourtrip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you justboarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you willhave a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'As the mother began to smile, the child added,'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet? They were both dating the same girl in high school.
why is it so hard for a women to find caring, loving, sensitive men? Because they all have boyfriends!
Ok im aloud to put these up cause im a female but if any dudes like said this i would so slap u lol
why dont women wear watches? because theres always a clock in the kitchen
Why haven't Women landed on the Moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
I'm also aloud to say this one because im asian!
How do you know you were robed by a asian? your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and they're still trying to back out of the drive way
Man + woman
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate overnight. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Blonde in first Class
A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying first class." The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta.... The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class". Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening.... The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class.... The captain whispers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin... The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast.. He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta."
